Dominance + stress

I have not posted in a very long time. I think this is due to the fact that I have been one stressed out bunny rabbit, for about a year. This has less than spectacular results on our D/S relationship, but I make no apologies.

I am going to say 3 very un sexy things:

-Extreme financial stress
-F/T working Mom
-Mother in law

So, I have in a nutshell described what has come in between us and our D/S relationship and in between my enjoyment of blogging about our experiences. When our D/S relationship was last thriving I was not working F/T and our financial situation was not a situation. Why am I writing about this? I was reading over a couple of M's last posts and he wrote on our interactions 'slip sliding away'. Two things:

1. Mother in law in your house for extended period of time = bad for D/S. Unfortunately, we had just had some wonderful interactions prior to her arrival. Mother in laws are sex killers.

2. Larger than that though, when you are put in a fighting stance some things are automatically put in the background--and this aspect of our relationship, unfortunately has been one of them.

Am I a natural dominant. No. Would I naturally gravitate to this lifestyle? Maybe in my dreams but not necessarily day in and day out. Do I really enjoy it? Yes! Do I love the dynamic it creates? Absolutely!!!! Do I want more consistency? M, yes I do.

So what's the problem? At the moment I am a little ragged, I am holding a lot of shit together and I need the most luxurious of all things-time. I find I am most apt to this kind of relationship when I am relaxed, I have some time to myself and I have tolerable levels of stress. Frankly, working all the time does not allow me this luxury. Is everyone like this? I am sure not, but to get back where we were, where I am happily chaining you up and dreaming and scheming of ways to abuse you-well you need to fucking pony up and get me off this working train! I'll happily be a bossy bitch and we can get on with it.

How to get me back in black and whip in hand:

-Let me retire and take care of you-Our version of taking care would of course be the anti Dr Laura Schlesinger 'Proper Care and feeding of the Husband". My version would be "Proper Care and Whipping and Caging of Said Husband"

-Tell me about your day dreams don't just keep them in your fucking head. I find it sexy when you verbalize these things. It also reminds me when we stray too far

-Show appreciation for the millions of things I do everyday to keep this ship afloat and I will guarantee you things will start to happen.

That last point--one thing you read over and over (I am speaking to you men out there)...if you slather your woman with attention she will be more receptive and open up to you more. That is the absolute truth. It helps grease the wheels for me, that's for sure. When M starts to show appreciation it shows he is not taking me for granted and that he actually cares. It goes a long way and it makes me feel more receptive as well as more aggressive. When you whine about our relationship falling to the wayside because of my lack of dominance, well that is just not going to cut it in terms of getting it back. Buy some flowers, make an effort to remember dates or take me out on a date, take me out-act out your physical attraction to me and verbalize your needs.

This is a wicked two way street! I think as a submissive it is easy to sit back and think 'So and so doesn't want to dominate' It is not that hard to have some interaction, the larger question to me is how to maintain consistency in that interaction.

Oy! Speaking of work, I just took 30 minutes to write this post and I have a deadline to meet.

PS. Prior to writing this, I was just perusing some of M's posts, I love the way he writes. I love the commentary on this blog as well. It is extremely insightful to look at M's writings and have a better understanding of where he is coming from and to hear other's opinions.

More subtle punishment

I have been dreaming again of punishment. This time a little more subtle than the norm, but perhaps not so by most people's standards.

The simple idea that I would be punished for things that disappoint P is immensly appealing to me. Maybe its because I feel the need to be punished as some type of balancing factor, or redemtion of other things in my life or my relationship. Maybe it has something to do with my childhood. I don't know the answer, and to be honest I don't spend a lot of time dwelling on why I feel the way I do.

My latest thinking has been related to P's current disinterest in SM (and sex generally). She has a lot on her mind and I think that she would just not deal with something additional now, no matter what it is. I imagine her feeling this way, but deciding that I need to be punished for something she does not like. There is plenty that she does not like right now, so finding a suitable cause seems unlikely to be difficult for her. I imagine her ordering me naked into the cage for a two hour penance. Locking the door behind me, turning out the lights and leaving without a word to read her book or take a bath (or leave for the morning). I sit there in silence thinking about our relationship, her happiness and my role in her dissapointment.

I imagine her returning to let me out, perhaps with a small lecture. I imagine her administering this to me regularly, anytime she feels dissapointed or angry with me which might amount to multiple times in a week. I would soon realize that this was a significant imposition on my daily routine, and I would start to really dislike my time in the cage. I imagine P nonchelantly insisting just the same, that I need to get in once more as she is still disapointed. This whole idea of my active dislike of the punishment, and her insistance of it is what really appeals to me about the whole thing.

The first few times would be thilling in a sexual way, the subsequent and ongoing application would be less thrilling the novelty would subside, but this would be replaced by a new thrill. That of the power she wields to modify my behavior in a way that suits her. This would ultimately be more fulfulling to me than the first thrill, and it is this that I have been dwelling on lately.

Matrisse is hot

Great video this morning from Meninpain.com.

This woman is very hot - particularly I like the way she dresses. Quite demure, she does not feel the need for vinyl or leather. Not that I am against vinyl or leather - but it like the way she can be mean with her cute, white shoes on. She seems like a natural dom.

Just thought I would share this.

Slip sliding away

Things seem to have dropped off between us again. This is disappointing to both of us I think. We don't seem to be able to retain the consistency in our relationship that I would like. The last little period of a week or so, I emphasized to P about 10 different times that I want our relationship to be fundamentally different, and that I don't want to play at femdom, but live it in reality. She agreed with me at the time, but then when stress and other distractions intervene we seem to just go right back to square one again.

This has me ignoring her demands, her not noticing or not objecting and so the cycle continues. Today we went to the beach together. On the way home I disagreed with her opinion of how to manage the logistics of something going on in our life. I could tell she was a little annoyed with the conversation but she did not say so. When we got home I wondered if she would take up to task for this. She did not, just spoke to me calmly about a different subject for a while and then left to go visit with a friend.

What I crave and need from her is correction for disrespect. I imagined her ordering me into the bedroom, instructing me to remove my pants and beating me harshly while she lectured me about respect and the proper demeanor. Then ordering me naked and bloody into the cage to spend the next few hours thinking about my attitude to her. If she had done this, I would be servile, focused on her, horny and happy. Instead I just don't really know what to think.

Our new cage sits there unused at this point. I assembled it and hung all the SM gear on the wall as she instructed, but now I wonder why I bothered to do this. She does not seem to want to be dominant.

It is very difficult, or perhaps impossible for someone with submissive tendencies to make someone want to be dominant. You can explain how you feel, reinforce the desire with affirmation and praise and do all you can do to make her see that things would be better between you if this was a permanent part of your life and not just an occasional game. At the end of the day however, it is up to that person to use the tools at their disposal to enforce their will upon yours. This includes administering punishment for bad behavior, giving guidance and basically taking the lead in the relationship. 

If there is hesitation on her part during this process (like that experienced today) I pretty soon give up the submissive effort and go back into a totally non-submissive state. She starts to realize that things are regressing between us, but still does not act. Once she finally notices enough that she becomes unhappy with the new interaction, it is often too late for intervention. My submission to her has evaporated and I won't tolerate dominance at that time. This is where we are rapidly heading at this time - again - I am afraid. 

The cage arrives

Yesterday I assembled the dog cage in our newly created play space. It is very heavy and real and I like that about it. P has not put me in there yet, but I climbed in to check it out of course and there is no way of escape since these are real steel bars. The other thing I like about is that there are bars all the way around, including on the floor so there is nothing comfortable about it. I can see that spending a few hours in there - especially naked - is going to be uncomfortable. There is nowhere to sit besides the cold iron bars, and or course you can't stand up either although it is long enough to stretch out your legs and move around. If you added an additional restraint, like handcuffs behind the back or a tight leather hood, this would add to the discomfort in the cage and have the effect of compressing hours into a more intense experience.

The door is secured with a medium sized padlock and the whole thing is easily strong enough to support a persons weight if you sat on it. At the door, there is a feeding slot designed to have a bowl of doggy food slid in. This conjures up the possibility of many hours of captivity should that be decreed, potentially crossing meal times. This all sounds very appealing to me.

Besides the cage, I hung two plastic holders on the wall which are there to support the variety of canes we have in our possession. I think its very erotic to have them displayed next to the cage, particularly as should I be beaten while bent over the cage - which seems a likely place - they will be in plain during the punishment. I like the idea of P carefully selecting her weapon of punishment, and perhaps changing between one or the other during the beating while I look on her at her latest selection. This combined with the cold, heaviness of the steel cage seems delightfully cruel to me.

The other possibility is to be handcuffed, or tied to the cage while beaten. It's heavy enough that this would be an inescapable position particularly if hands and legs where both secured. This too appeals to me very much. It has been a recurring desire on my part to be beaten without mercy while secured in such a way that I cannot move or escape. I like the idea of P laying into me over and over with the cane while I can do nothing all all but yell, cry or beg for lenience. I want to suffer for her in a very real way which is well beyond a game. I will add a picture of the cage later.

Deeper vows of commitment

I asked P today if she felt our marriage was different now that when we first married 7 years ago. She said it was. The reason I asked was I feel that it is very different now to how it first started. Its not clear to me exactly how, but it definitely is evolving.

I was thinking this morning about a renewed commitment to P. Different and deeper than the commitment I made for our marriage. If I had to renew my vows to P today, they would go something like this:

I promise:

• To obey you, no matter what you tell me to do
• To listen to everything you say with full attention
• To give you the utmost respect at all times
• To put your needs and desires before my own
• To consider your time to be more valuable than my own
• To pass control of my sexual needs fully to you
• Never to masturbate without your permission
• To make you the object of my desire
• To always try my best to please you
• To accept that you will define how I should behave
• To accept that you will correct me for behavior you dislike

These things I would promise in addition to the more common things you would expect a commited husband to promise, like love, fidelity etc.

I don't write these things flippantly. Even though they are short statements, each has profound implications in terms of a relationship if both parties take them as serious commitments. Nor do I mean them as some type of erotic game to be discarded when the moment passes. I mean them as seriously as I would mean my wedding vows, never to be broken in good times and bad.

To me this is a deeper level of commitment than a typical marriage, and it goes a long way towards correcting some of the destructive things that can occur - and commonly do in a relationship - as couples drift apart and into their own worlds.

For example, the commitment about masturbation. This type of graphic statement may seem out of place in a list of promises. However, masturbation is one of the primary reasons that couples sex lives dwindle. If the man is able to find release elsewhere, this can often be easier than the effort required to woo his wife into sex. He can turn to porn, or fantasy and with a brief and easy masturbation satisfy himself leaving his wife out of the deal. We know that every man needs regular sex, and research has shown that nearly all men masturbate. For my part I have definitely turned to this in the past during times when my sex life with P was not working well.

If masturbation is not an option as per the promise, the man can either ask his wife for permission (which is embarrassing and she may deny him), make the effort to woo her into sex with him or simply become increasingly frustrated. The latter is one of the primary ways that P uses to keep me focused on her needs, and this is not a bad thing. The reality is that I get more pleasure out of the building erotic tension between us, and the fact that she will continue to deny me (while abusing me in an SM context) than I do out of a great but brief orgasm. She tells me that after release I become immediately lazy, selfish and no longer focused on her needs, so I can see why she would choose to deny me.

An important point here is that although this may seem one-sided, it's as much a commitment from the woman as it is the man. By making her the sole object of his desire, and his only method of release she is taking on responsibility for his sexuality (one of the most powerful factors in a man's life). This is no small responsibility on her part and she needs to take it seriously or he will very soon begin to feel cheated.

A successful result has both parties focused on each other, engaged with each other sexually and constantly communicating. This is the power of an erotic, Femdom marriage and when experienced it is fundamentally superior to the latter (we just live together) model, which we see ending in divorce so often.

I will write more on some of the other vows later. I should point out that I have not made these vows to P. But I have been thinking on this subject and feel willing to.

More analysis of punishment

A blog I read this morning brought up a subject that I have spent a lot of time thinking about. That is the whole issue of punishments within a femdom / SM relationship. In this particular post the blogger's self suggested punishments seem more like rewards to me. Each to their own, but to my mind its important to distinguish between what is a legitimate punishment, and what might be better catagorized as an erotic practice within an SM relationship.

This is where things begin to get a little tricky and confusing. The nature of femdom and sm is that everything holds a measure of erotic thrill, from the mundane to the extreme. In that one could say that there is no such thing as a punishment. Surely an activity like orgasm denial for example, could not seriously be considered a real punishment. Even though the sub may crave release, being denied holds such erotic thrill to both parties that this could hardly be considered punative.

To me the definition of a true punishment has to meet a few criteria to qualify:
1) It cannot be enjoyable by the sub, at least not while its happening. Even though the sub may crave this type of treatment, if its enjoyable at the time then it is not an effective punishment.
2) It should be something to endure, not enjoy (different way of saying the same thing)
3) It should be something that the sub tries to avoid - otherwise its clearly ineffective in shaping future behavior.
4) There should be no preperation for it. EG: during an erotic flogging, there might be a build up to intensity during which time the sub is able to relax and prepare. I don't see the point of allowing the sub to prepare for a punishment as this would simply diminish its impact.
5) It need not take long to administer. This is important as idealy a punishment might be administered at anytime. This is useful in constantly keeping me on my toes around P. If I am given time to prepare for what is coming, this too lessens the potentual impact of P being able to effectively shape my behavior. It could take long to administer, for example being locked in a cage for a day with nothing to do I would consider a punishment. However, this takes a day and so this might be quite inconvenient for the dom too.

The whole idea of effective punishment is one that is a critical piece of what makes Femdom so appealing to me. I want her to shape my behavior to suit her needs. Not through discussion and rationalism, but though coersion, pain, fear and force. This is the essence of the appeal to me. I don't need someone to rationalise a certain behavior. EG: I know that if I always treat P with respect, that will be a good thing for our marriage. But this statement holds no eroticism for me.

On the other hand, if I know that anytime I show what she considers to be a less than appropriate degree of respect, she will take me upstairs and thrash me for 5 minutes, I will pretty soon learn to be respectful. This type of treatment that I find to be deeply erotic.