Annoyed

M is locked in his steel cage on with his hood on. I had a fairly grumpy day trying to prepare myself for a big trip, feeling as if I was doing double duty most of the day. I was looking forward to a discipline session this evening to blow off some steam as well as to say 'good bye' as I am going on an extended vacation and will be separated from M for most of the week. I find that I feel best after a discipline session when I am slightly grumpy or ticked off, it just seems to set the balances right.

After dinner I told M to go upstairs and undress. I shackled him facing the wall with his hands above him and his legs spread apart. I immediately paddled him and told him of my days frustrations. I then proceeded to whip him. Whipping seems to be the most enjoyable for me as the leather straps just have a way of moving through the air, landing on the skin. I always remember this one time we spent with a fantastic dominatrix. She showed me how to move it through the air without using too much arm, mostly using the wrist. Anyway, I find it graceful and relaxing.

After about 10 minutes of M writhing and comlaining he yelled 'Fuck' very loudly and forcefully at which point I instructed him to tell me what he was thinking. He said something to the effect of 'It's hard for me when we go so long between sessions" Clearly, not that into it. Now, my usual pattern would be deflation, but this just plain irritated me at which point I said " I feel you live in a fantasy and reality does not match up.". This on the heels of him telling me of some dream with three dominatrixes beating him.

So here is my point, it's my friggin' time table, not his. I find that weekly discipline sessions work for me. It is how I feel and also what our lives permit reasonably. This week I made demands and also sent a lengthy list of chores for M to accomplish in my absence to which he complained. You might say, well you should take him to task then. You may be right, but I prefer once a week or a time that is peaceful where I can dedicate time.

Honestly, I like this type of relationship but when faced when competing with a fantasy - seriously folks, its not going to live up, unless of course I am a pay for fantasy and not a live in, something other than just a wanna-be-dominant-wife (working on it all the time). I'm not complaining, I just get annoyed. It's always too little, too much, too something. If anything, it is that CB2000 that makes me feel better about this, when he acts like this I damn well know that that fucking cage is stuck on his dick until I let him out.

All said, I will let him sit up there in that locked steel cage and if I get over it I may just lock him up again and have sex with him, but that's a big maybe. MAYBE.

An appealling condition

This appeals to me greatly.

Notice: cold concrete, newspaper to pee on, heavy chain secured low on the wall so that the doggie cannot stand, hands secured behind, dog food to eat. Sounds like a great way to spend a few days.

A few simple chores

Last night P went out with her friends. Before she left she gave me an assignment. I was to:
a) organize her shoes and boots which were in disarray
b) find her some pictures of men being led on a leash like a dog
c) find her references on how to safely use a cattle prod on a human

I was surprised to find that there were less pictures online of male pets than I would have imagined. Being treated like a dog is one of my big turn-ons. I find it most appropriate to me made to kneel, crawl at her feet, kept in a dog cage and demeaned in this way. It seems very fitting given the nature of the relationship. It thrilled me that she told me to find these pictures for her.

Her shoes were definately out or order, and could also use a bit of a cleaning I think. Anyhow they are now organized to some degree. It thrilled me to be instructed to do chores for her while she was out having a good time with her friends. This too seems very appropriate to me.

On the prod safety, I really could not find anything that I would consider convincing. Mostly the opposite - warnings either not to use them on humans, or isntructions to use them with much caution. It seems the biggest concern is keeping them away from the chest area, and making sure that the victim can move freely so as not to damage any muscles.

I suspect that people write this out of an abundance of caution which is fine and has its place. But surely they cannot be that dangerous to use on the legs and buttocks as I have seen in a few SM videos (with both men and woman as the recpient). While she was out I decided I would demystify the subject by using it on myself.

Our prod has a function where you can squeeze the trigger, then release and the shock remains available in the prod. So this is what I did - squeezed the trigger, released and then put my hand on the electrodes. The shock I recieved was pretty much what I was expecting. Enough to make you jump and pull your hand away, but certainly not excessively painful and nothing to make me concerned about entering cardiac arrest.

At this point I am going to leave it up to P if she wants to pursue using this thing and not bring the subject up again myself.

A heart to heart

Last night I had a little talk with P. I have been getting frustrated by her lack of any signs of consistent dominance. The problem is that she has not been feeling well, for a variety of reasons. I don't blame her for not wanting to engage in sexual things when she does not feel well. However in our discussion I made the point that over a few weeks of time if I do not sense any dominance from her at all it begins to leave me wondering if I am just living in my own head with D/s. In that case I start to want to end it and just go back to normal living until she feels different. I made the suggestion that we do this now, by removing the CB2000 and waiting until she feels better.

P did not like this idea. Instead she suggested that we change the lack of interaction and start up again. She told me she liked me in the CB2000 whether she was feeling well or not. In fact she would have me in it '365 days a year if she could.' She said she finds it a turn on, and it makes her feel like she is controlling me.

She then brought up the cattle prod I had bought and said that it 'scared her to use it'. At this I suggested that she consider selling it on Ebay if that was the case, or perhaps give it to a farmer. (again a little defensively.) We closed the conversation with me still in the CB2000 and the tentative agreement that she would introduce more dominance into the relationship in a consistent manner. Consistency has been a recurring problem for us.

My take on all this is the following.

I like the fact that she refused to remove the CB2000 and I like what she said about 365 days. This in itself is a dominant statement and when she said it, it was the first twinge of dominance I have felt from her in a few weeks. I want her to impose upon me how our relationship will be conducted in every sense. Even in how it might not be conducted - if that makes sense. Most of all I want her to be in control. If control to her means that for a period I am just to sit and wait (frustrated) until such time that she feels better then that is fine with me. So long as she does this deliberately and in a dominant way.

What does not work for me is a sense that she has forgotten about the relationship and she is happily living her life while I exist in my own fantasies and thoughts, without any sense of control or domination from her. When she said No to the removal of the CB and 365 days, she was reestablishing that control and it made me feel instantly better about the situation.

On the subject of the cattle prod. I guess that I should be the one that is frightened of it as I would assumedly be on the receiving end. Actually I am a little frightened of it. I have not tested it on myself and so I have no idea what it would feel like. People have told me that the sensation is 'intense' and this is why I bought it. I wanted to up the stakes in our SM games giving her the power to introduce real fear into me. I like the idea that she might use it on me at anytime, perhaps when I am not expecting it. Perhaps when I am hooded and can't see what she is doing. Perhaps when I am restrained and completely vulnerable to her.

I don't expect, nor do I desire to be repeatedly shocked by it all the time. But I like that it is there and that she might use it from time to time. I also suspect that when she does eventually try it out, she might grow to enjoy using it on me.

I reacted a little defensively when she said she was scared of using it for the same reason as the previous point. I want to feel that she enjoys imposing things on me. That she gets a kick out of them and that she will not allow me to do otherwise. I don't like to feel that I am pushing her into any of this. I want to feel that I am being dictated to. Perhaps this goal is unrealistic and can be what makes D/s complicated for me and others.

The net of this is that I feel better this morning about the relationship and I am glad we spoke. Sometimes even little reminders of dominance are all that I need to not feel neglected.

My need

Lately I have started to dream about harsh treatment. I feel the need to be humbled, to be chastised, to be depersonalized and tormented with indifference.

I imagine being bent over the cage, with my hands and feet secure and spread apart. My collar attached at the top such that I have no mobility at all. I imagine being caned in that position with indifference to my suffering. Perhaps made to beg for release, but denied. Perhaps shocked with the cattle prod to encourage my begging.

P has me locked in this CB and this is what puts me in this state of mind. I find it difficult to sleep with these thoughts going through my head. P sleeps peacefully next to me unaware of my thoughts. She seems far from the person that would do these things to me in her current state of mind. I want her to crave hurting me as much as I crave to be hurt. I want her to get off on my suffering, to be excited by my pain and to look at it with selfish indifference. Not being concerned about how I am feeling, but focusing only on her own pleasure at making me suffer for her. I want her to use me.

Updates on the penis cage

It has been a while since I posted on my continued experience of wearing this CB2000. P has grown to like it a lot. In fact she now insists that I wear it if we are engaged with one another in a D/s way. This has lead to fairly long stretches of me being locked up in it, some of the time with her actively engaged in the experience, and some with her pretty much ignoring me.

I have developed a love /hate relationship with it in a way. It symbolizes my promise of submission to her and it is a reminder to both of us of that promise. It is not a subtle thing to have a cage attached around your penis which you wear every day, not like a ring on your finger or a small tattoo. This reminder is large, obscene and uncomfortable at times. Perfect really for the dual purpose of humiliation and reminding the sub of his place.

Clearly it is designed to prevent masturbation and in my case it does a good job of this. It is not that I would find it impossible to masturbate with it on, I am sure I could figure out a way. The point is that I choose not too and so in that way it works. I don't need to go on about the effect of extended periods of denial on a man's submissive tendencies. I think these are pretty well established at least with me. Sexually satisfied men are lazy, grumpy and can be rude if challenged. Unsatisfied men tend to want to do anything that might lead to sexual activity. If your wife's path to sex is through your submission to her, then the net effect is a focus on submission. This works well for me with the CB2000.

In the past P has taken me to visit with a professional dominatrix. When she did this, she made me wear the CB2000. I thought this was most appropriate. It's embarrassing to have to walk around naked in front of a woman you don't know with a cage attached to you. In a way it is also emasculating, as the male symbol of power is of course the penis. The message is obvious. To intepret: although the context here is sexual, there will be no sex involved at least for the man. His job here is to submit, be dominated and subservient. He also might be here for our entertainment.

One of the things I like most about it is that P makes me wear it. I like the idea that she would impose things on me which I might find difficult to deal with or annoying, but that she would insist on them as a condition of being in submission to her. The CBN is sort of like that for us. At times I enjoy the feel of having it on, but many times I find it uncomfortable to wear. P does not seem to care about this and it has become a permanent fixture of our S/M times as a result.

Face Slapping

Lately I have been thinking about face slapping. I searched on it and I ran into this little clip.
I am not totally sure what appeals to me about it. Before I found the clip, I was thinking about being made to kneel with my hands cuffed behind me while P stands in front of me. I imagine her lecturing me and alternately slapping my face while she lectures me, waits for my response and then slaps again. Perhaps it is the directness of it - or perhaps the affront to a calm demeanor. The face slap by its design is created to get your attention and be bothersome. Perhaps it is some of that too.

We have done a bit of this in the past, but I think we were both too drunk to remember. This was at the beggining of our relationship before we had kids. I had obviously told P that I was into S&M and during our first clumbsy experimentations together, we actually had some pretty hot scenes. I seem to remember one of them entailing face slapping.

Lately P had taken to tying me to the bed when we have sex. This might be an excellent time to explore some more slapping. More on this later.